All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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