My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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