Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
