epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
