Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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