She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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