i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
