I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
