Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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