During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
