I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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