if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
