We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
