I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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