Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
