Say something about gay babies.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
