I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He passed out mid-signature
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
