Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
