We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
