I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
