a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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