we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
