I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
