My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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