I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
