ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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