dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
