The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
