he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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