There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
sex in a hospital.. check
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
