i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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