I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
