oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
is that a dick in a sweater?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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