I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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