Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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