Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
