You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
this is an emotional support booty call
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
