Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
