All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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