She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
