all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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