i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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