I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
