Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
