Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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