I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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