He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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