Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just googled if crying burns calories
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
