Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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