Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
