I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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