I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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